But I've never
hit you!
Battering is not about physical violence, it's about control. Hitting
is often unnecessary to maintain control in a relationship. Verbal,
emotional and economic abuse can be powerful and devastating weapons. |
You've hit me
too, so if I'm abusive, so are you.
Battering is never mutual. Although both partners may use violence,
batterers do so to control their partners; survivors use violence
in self-defense or to try to stop the abuse. |
You know I'd
never hurt you. I was high, I didn't know what
I was doing.
But battering is not a result of addiction, it's a behavioral choice.
There are many batterers who don't use and many substance abusers
who don't batter. Getting clean and sober is no guarantee of your
safety. |
You don't understand
- I'm just being butch.
Blaming abusive behavior on being butch is both insulting to butches
and plain denial. While some butches batter, so do some femmes. You
and/or your batterer may identify as butch, femme or neither. Battering
can happen in all kinds of relationships, regardless of sexual or
gender identity. |
I thought you
liked rough sex.
No one wants or likes to be raped or battered. Although some batterers
may say their abusive behavior is really just part of an s/m scene,
s/m requires the consent of all involved, and a scene can be stopped
by any participant at any time. If your partner is disrespectful
of your limits, ignores your safe word, or violates your boundaries,
it's not s/m - it's battering. |
How can you say
I'm abusing you when you're so much stronger
than I am?
Battering is about control, not size or strength. There is no way
to tell by looking at a couple who is the batterer and who is battered. |
I'll never do
it again, I promise. We'll go for help.
Batterers may seem remorseful or promise to change after an incident,
but often these promises are only attempts to keep you from leaving.
Real change requires taking full responsibility for the abuse and
committing to non-abusive behavior whether or not you stay together.
This kind of change doesn't happen overnight (if at all) and usually
requires the help of a state certified program for batterers. Couples
counseling does not help batterers stop battering, and can actually
be dangerous for you. |
You always say
how great our relationship is - how can you say
I'm abusive?
Batterers can be charming, wonderful, caring, fun people. If they
weren't, no one would go out with them. Just because they can be
nice doesn't mean they can't be abusive, and it doesn't make the
abuse okay. |
Women are safe,
we don't batter each other.
Abuse occurs in relationships between women as often as in straight
relationships, and women have been seriously injured and killed by
their female partners. |
No one else will
want you because you're transgender.
No matter what your partner says, you don't deserve to be battered.
Batterers can use transphobia as a tactic of control. You don't have
to put up with abuse to find love. |
